sitting through church

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  calicokat 7 years, 4 months ago.

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  • #2137

    mommandm
    Member

    I’m sure this has been hashed and rehashed, but I”m desperate for help!!!

    My 2.5 year old WILL NOT sit through church. This past sunday was a nightmare. So I thought I’d take him during the week to mass because it is shorter and less crowded. NO deal, he started screaming as soon as we walked in :( I brought snacks, books, crayons and coloring books, his rosary. I tried talking to him about why its important to be quiet and respectful. He screamed. I tried showing him all the things I brought to entertain him. He screamed. I tried being sweet to him. He screamed. I tried getting serious. He screamed. I think he remembered Sunday and the issues we had then, and he flipped out because of that. So we’re going to wait a while before bringing him back and in the meantime talk about mass and read books about mass. I dont’ know what else to do. And it doesn’t help that we’re having discipline issues with him right now anyway. He’s kicking a lot and not listening, and when I try to redirect him or correct the behavior, he just laughs at me. If I threaten time out, he’ll stop for a minute then start back up again later, or he’ll do the behavior in a way that it looks like an accident. I dont’ know if its because he spent some time at his grandparents or its just a phase, but he’s not normally disobedient. He’s one of those kids who wants everybody to be happy, so he obeys pretty well normally.

    Its so frustrating, I love him so much and I just want him to behave and enjoy the mass!! Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!

    #3545

    andrea
    Member

    Oh I feel for you you, I truly do. Our 1.5 year old sounds exactly the same right now. We had the same issue in church this past weekend. He saw the back doors and wouldn’t even sit down. Ahhhh! I’ve tried everything too and all I can do it bring him and keep trying. If anyone has good suggestions I’d love to know them as well. As for the not listening- out little guy is like that right now too. He laughs and runs away. He’s so loving – I think it’s a phase from everyone I’ve talked too. Have you read The Discipline Book by the Sears? It’s very good. I’ve honestly been saying a lot of prayers right now because I have little patience while being preggo. Andrea

    #3546

    pia
    Member

    Hello, I have the same problem with my kids too. I have a five year old boy who refuses to go to church with me and a 4 year old girl who wouldnt sit still whenever we’re with her brother in church. I do not insist in bringing them both now because I cant control them. Now my boy is not used in attending mass anymore Help. Any advice?

    #3547

    mommandm
    Member

    We’ve got the kids’ baptism soon, that’s going to be interesting!!!

    #3548

    burrisfam1
    Member

    I know there are alot of controversies over snacks/toys in church but here is what works for us. We have a 4yrDS, 2yrDD and almost 1yrDD. I nurse my babies during mass in the pew. I am discrete and we sit in the back but I find getting up and leaving more disruptive. We don’t do toys once they are ~1. We do bring snacks and drinks. We have good weeks and bad weeks. We have on occasion removed them and spanked them but only for serious problems. I had a mom advise me once that if they have to be brought out of mass to the foyer or cry room to be punished that you should always hold them and not let them down to explore because then they are just being rewarded for bad behavior. So we walk out until they calm down, correct the behavior and go back in. We find going to the right mass time helps as well. Evenings or during a meal time doesn’t work for our group. Also pre-warning the 4yr old what is expected and what he’ll lose if he is bad works wonders. Another mom advised sitting up close so they can see what is happening, like in first couple rows. i’m not brave enough fo rthat and don’t want to nurse on display!

    We have a kind pastor who always comments on moms with small kids and how hard a job it is and how great it is to see & hear them in church. So that helps because you don’t feel unwanted!

    Hope this helps! Oh yeah……and pray. I once asked my mom, why bother? I hear NOTHING, I get in a response or two and go to communion. And she said because the grace you recieve from communion and the sacrifice you are making in trying to raise your children in the church is what God sees. So keep going, and keep bringing your babies. I’ll keep you in my prayers!

    #3549

    mommandm
    Member

    That’s good advice about the cry room, I didn’t think of that but now that you mention it I could see how letting them explore in there would be rewarding bad behavior in mass. We were able to have my parents watch the kids this morning, I think we’re going to try to take the kids to mass again next week. We discovered our cry room (its very discreet! we’ve been going to our parish for weeks and just found it) so that will help. I just hope its sound proof….

    We took the kids to our marriage validation, and it wasn’t too bad. Zack ran around a lot, but we were the only ones there and he kind of won over the priest when he looked at the altar and said, “JESUS!!” It was funny, because I can’t imagine where he got that from. I didn’t think he quite understood what the altar is. So after that he really wasn’t going to care if Zack was running around a bit. But that’s not going to fly at mass.

    #3550

    changedbaby
    Member

    Helping children in church… some ideas.. based on experience with 4 year old twin girls, who today managed to sit still today for over 1 hour, pray, and enjoy some music. I wonder what the next stage holds for us? Everyone is different. I hope these ideas help.

    Period One: infant in arms.
    (a) Holdl them as much as possible. Whisper to them. feed them.
    (b) Try and instill a sense of sacred through touch and whispered prayers. (c) Standup and rock them, move about.
    (d) Try not to go out unless you really have to.
    (e) White blankets to shut everything out when it becomes too much for dad.

    Period Two: infant rolling and exploring.
    (a) They can have soft toys. Especially ones connected with the theme (eg love hearts and crosses).
    (b) Make sure people don’t step on a child on the groun.
    (c) Tell the child what is happening even if they don’t understand and try not to give them a toy and forget about them.
    (d) Pick them up so they can see things, and still hold them when they are compliant.
    (e) Encourage sitting on laps in preparation for the next stage.
    (f) parent rooms are just a reward for bad behaviour; and a total distraction that hinders later stages. They remember where the tyoys are many years later!

    Period Three: toddler starting to explore.
    (a) snacks to keep them entertained and near you and address real hunger issues; also water bottles to suck;
    (b) encourage sitting on your lap – back rubs and massage can be a good thing to start. With promise that this is something special for doing at church;
    (c) books – especially ones with holy pictures where you can whisper things about God and show them things happening in the mass.
    (d) We also ended up visiting a different church (even Protestant and Lutheran), different service every week so as not to be a burden to the same people every week. I think variety helped the children cope, because it wasn’t always the same; and it took them a whileto work up the courage to move about.
    (e) The odd stranger guiding them back in our direction was so appreciated. And sometimes (those one or two people we “knew”) were allowed to hold them – totally in our sight – for variety. Perhaps asking those around to help bring them back would help?

    Outside church time we made sure they thought about Jesus and Holy SPirit everyday. They knew God was important. We read them Bible stories at home, and even worked on colouring and themes for the week. We prayed and lit candles as a special time. And sang lots of songs at home in “home church”… they eventually started playing church and lined up the teddy bears… they had pretend microphones and made us realise what church had become…

    Occassionally if there was really bad behaviour after church we withheld a treat they would have normally held. While when they were very good, we also gave a treat after church and told them it was because they were good. But cautious that they don’t just learn “good behaviour in church” and not really a love for God.

    Period Four: toddler becoming vocal
    (a) keep up the interaction – initiating it, pointing out things, whipsering things and initiating the “disturbance” The child doesn’t feel abandoned and seems to have less need to speak loudly as much whenyou are talking to them, and starting the whispered talk.
    (b) Ask lots of questions that make them wonder – even if they aren’t vocal they start thinking – what is happening? Why? Who is Jesus? Does Jesus love us?
    (c) start the potted summaries of the sermon and point their attention to what is going on. POint out words and phrases said from the front.
    (d) point out the word Jesus. Emphasise “Amen” and words they can join in with.
    (e) keep up the back rubs.
    (f) occassional pens and paper (in fact 1 pen and 1 piece of paper) to silently draw CHristian symbols, or alphabet. But try to avoid the distraction of hundreds of pens and books
    (g) during this period adult churches help where they see people sitting still. Other children can turn them into a mess.

    We also explained that church was a special time to love God with other people We told them that other people needed it to be quiet. They were listening to stories and praying. Jesus wanted them to be quiet

    Just lots of love at home and making sure discipline at home was fair and firm and consistent; that they knoew mum and dad wanted the best for them and were in control to make that best outcome happen

    Avoiding childcare where bad behaviour is learnt from childrne who are essentialy “unsupervised” because they are not in a one-on-one or one-ontwo/three/four situation.

    Helping the child know that they are special and Jesus loves them in a special way. Jesus in every meal and every night prayer.

    More Visits to restaurants and other adult places, explaining that good behaviour means we can do more things.

    Period Five: pre-schooler who is hungry to know
    (a) I believe that the ceremonial aspects of church can be utilised. Drawing the childrens attention to things that are happening, people moving about, readers coming and going, chalices being held high. Sitting or moving so they can see does help;
    (b) Back rubs and occassional treats like chocolat, or a doodling page (with religious theme).
    (c) Make the most of ANY music. Move hold them, rock and sway. I’d love to bring in scarfs to wave, but haven’t had the courage yet in case they become obkjects of misbehaviour.
    (d) whispering “JEsus”, “What do you think Holy Spirit is doing” and making potted summaries of the sermon….
    (e) continued ‘teaching at home’ so churhc is just about being together, praying to God and showing Jesus we love Himin this way.

    Continued reflection on what is working and what is not for our particular children; searchingn the web for answers.

    Prayer, and trusting Jesus, writing

    Period Five: school aged 5 year old..
    Eagerly awaiting to see the outcomes…. hope we don’t put them off church forever..

    Keeping in perspective that God wants children in His church; that in many places the church really shouldn’t be like this – but it is; that God will see us through this all; and praying that the church will be made more liek a “familyl” with a few people around a table where children are the reason we are there, not the “disturbance” we wish wasn’t.

    #3551

    calicokat
    Member

    My littlest one was like that as a 2 year old. There is hope, she’s now the one who talks about being a Nun when she grows up :) She’ll be nine in August.

    ~kat

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