July 11, 2005 at 3:24 pm #1945
This is a venting thread, need help and advice..
My DH’s sister will be moving in with us in August. She will be bringing her family with her. That is her husband and 3 wonderful children. That’s 5 more people.
We are a family of 4 (me, my dh, ds, and dd) So 9 people living in our house.
They are having financial problems and need a place to go. So what to you do for family? You help them.
I think I’m just stressed about adding another family to our house. Our house is big enough (kind of) but it’s a whole different family. Everyone will have adjusting to do.
This will help us financially too because they will help with 1/2 the bills. Great! But geez.July 12, 2005 at 1:44 am #2652
Extra special blessings go to you for being so kindhearted and opening your home. I can’t say I would be able to do the same!
Here are some suggestions based on what I’ve witnessed with others and things I would probably need:
I would definitely have a big pow-wow together to hammer out the rules of the house. Common area things like cooking and cleaning need to be discussed. Maybe a job chart? But also, you need to discuss things like:
-time apart: you don’t have to do everything together, how will you let the other family know, make sure no one lets their feelings get hurt
-babysitting: if your kids may need this, no assumptions should be made anyone will automatically babysit. My sister lives with her MIL and FIL and never assumes they will watch her kids. Sure they usually will, but she always asks with plenty of notice given.
-personality differences: yes you’re family, but do you really know what makes each other tick? When I lived with 5 other girls my senior year in college we sat down and shared how we act when we get stressed out. Totally helped during exams! So, things like that are good to know. Also, for those who work, what do they need when they come home…quiet? the tv? dinner? playing outside with the kids? That’s a good one to know.
Hope this helps!July 12, 2005 at 2:01 am #2653
Bless you for doing this!! Wow! I will pray that you will have the grace to endure all of this. I don’t have any advice for you but Melissa sure had some great ideas. I will be thinking of you. How soon are they moving in??July 12, 2005 at 12:40 pm #2654
Wow! You are doing such a great thing for your sil and her family. I will definately say some prayers for you.
I don’t have any specific advice because Melissa gave it all in her response.
Good luck and know I will be praying for you.July 14, 2005 at 6:28 pm #2655
Melissa- Thanks for the great advice. WOW! Never thought of some of it.
My husbands other sister currently watches my kids while I am at work and I watch her kids. Can’t beat free sitting. But his other sister is trying to find a day job (which conflicts with my day job).
SIL1 homeschools her children and workds for an Peds Intensive Care Unit as an RN, so I suggested that SIL2 continue to watch my kids until she finds a different job. SIL1 said she didn’t mind watching them while I work, maybe they will learn something while she is teaching her kids.
I would never expect anyone, even if they do live with me, to watch my kids just so I can go out.
We have had a sort or pow-wow already on what bills they will help with and who will do some things.
I guess my DH and I both agree that we would hope that members of our family would do the same for us if we need it.
It will help because DH is going back to school this fall (finally) and we will need some help. I’ve given him a time limit of about 2 years to finish his degree and find a better paying job. After that I want to be a SAHM and maybe go back to school after that.
SIL1 and her family are wanting to stay with us for 2 years. That’s the goal right now. They want 2 years to save up their own home and get back on their feet. After that they will move, we think.
I pray I have the patience I need to get through this. I’m on some pretty hefty medications to help my health, and sometimes it makes me a little more emotional.August 4, 2005 at 4:39 pm #2656
Okay guys. The big day is Tuesday. My heart won’t stop pounding. I’m nervous, it’s making my stomach ache. ARGH! I love them, I do. Both families need the help.
I’m not used to sharing my life with someone other than my dh and kids. This is going to be a bumpy ride.August 6, 2005 at 3:02 am #2657
Once again, I know that God will bless you and your family abundantly for opening up your home to others. I believe that this is your chance to show your love for your neighbor and for the Lord. I know that when we see our Lord upon our death or the second coming we will have to answer questions like, “When I was hungry did you feed me? Did you clothe me? When I was homeless did you invite me in?” It will not be an easy time in your life. Continue to pray and offer up all of the struggles that you and your families endure because of this for others who are in need, for your children’s future, poor souls in purgatory, or anything else. What great lessons in love, charity and faith your children will learn from the experience as well. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
God bless you.August 9, 2005 at 2:36 am #2658
I am thinking of you and praying for you. Please let us know how you’re doing. I think it is wonderful that you and dh are so willing to open your home to your family. I agree with you…if your family needs you, you should be there. And I’m sure they would do the same for you. And what an awesome example to set for your kids and their kids. That is what family is all about!!!August 26, 2005 at 6:06 pm #2659
Well so far things are okay. My husband and I went on a small vacation last week and my in-laws watched my kids. The only problem we’ve run across so far happened while they were watching the kids. I left a list of numbers and instrustions for our children (I’m nerotic when it comes to my Angels). There were some food items I asked them not to feed my infant. When we get home I found out BIL did feed her some of those items. I was a little upset, I felt very disrespected. When they leave me instructions for their kids I follow them.
I was hurt, these are my kids. I have the right to leave instructions. He had the nerve to tell me “I’ve had/raised 5 kids, I know what I’m doing”
I admit he does have 5 kids, but is only raising 3 of them. But I didn’t bring that up, because it’s not his choice to not have the other 2. But regardless of how many children he has, these are my kids not his.
My DH agreed with me and was also very hurt and felt disrpected. I would think people would have enough respect to do as one asks when it comes to someone elses kids.
For a few days they weren’t talking to me, but they would speak to my husband. After I brought that to my DH’s attention he said something to his sister.
They are now talking to me. I haven’t brought the incicdent up again. Maybe I should at least tell them we felt disrpected, maybe I should just let it lie.
I think this situation will work, We all just need to learn each others limitations.May 22, 2006 at 2:20 am #2660
Okay it’s been 9 almost 10 months and I’m loosing my ever loving mind. I don’t know how much longer I can do this, they are driving me bonkers. I love my nieces and nephew, I love their parents. but we are more different that I could ever imagine. I want to do God’s will and help them, but my sanity is waning.. Somedays we get along fine, most days we (me and the husband) do not. He is such a jerk. NOTHING like my husband, he drives me crazy. There are so many things pushing me towards asking them to leave, then there are so many things where I know it’s not feasible.
My husband and I are almost in agreement that after August, we are going to re-evaluate the situation. See if them living here is actually helping them (they always say they don’t have money, yet she makes 20k more a year than we do). If it is not helping then they need to find another situation that will help them.
This house is not worth it to me, I would love to stay. I feel God granted us this house, and is pushing us to homeschool. This house would be the perfect house to homeschool in, but you can homschool anywhere.
Please pray for me as this situation continues.May 22, 2006 at 4:01 am #2661
I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you and your family. I know that God would have to grant some pretty hefty graces for me to ever even think about being able to pull something like this off without losing my mind. So, I have the highest admiration and respect for you and what you are doing to help out your family. If it is causing you so much stress in your own family it might be best to reevaluate the situation soon. If she makes so much more than you do maybe there is some way through careful budgeting that they would be able to do it on their own. I don’t know the situation of course but I can’t imagine that it must be easy for them either, living in someone else’s home for a year. I think it is difficult just to visit someone for more than a couple of days let alone a year. Anyway, God bless you for your generosity and I will pray for you. Keep us posted on how you are doing with this.May 26, 2006 at 12:44 pm #2662
Thanks Melinda. 😀
Well my dh would prefer we wait as long as possible before we make any other decisions. He (me too) feel that this house is a blessing and we should try to keep it. So I just need some prayers.
I got our mortgage statement yesterday, I opened to see if the property taxes were paid. It looks like our property taxes did lower some, so maybe when they reasses the escrow we won’t be so stressed and tight on money.October 24, 2006 at 12:43 pm #2663
Well the SIL and family will be moving. But probably not until Feb. It’s been over a year, and they have decided to try to buy a house.
Their credit isn’t that good, so they would need a good downpayment (why they were living with us).
Come to find out they have not saved any money 😯 I don’t see how that is possible, but that’s okay.
Since they don’t have a downpayment, their option is to build a house. You can usually build homes with no down payment.
Their house should be done by February.
It’s going to be okay for us, just a little tight. which we are used to.
It will be nice to have just my family back.November 9, 2006 at 3:23 pm #2664
I’ll pray for you….say one for ME, too? 😀
We’ve found ourselves in a similar situation. We had a relative with a need to recover from a serious hospital stay who has been living with us. Well…guess what? He has fully recovered and has YET to move a number of months later! How do you gently tell someone to get the heck out of your house already!? His family life at home is not so hot, and we know he enjoys being with a nice, normal family that doesn’t fight and scream all day. Also, he says “Your kids are so well behaved – you’d never know there were five of them!” (Another reason he likes staying here!) I’m thinking of asking the kids to start acting up! 😉 😆
DH is an absolute saint in putting up with this (it’s MY family)….but we both agree that enough is enough already. We have a newborn now and not much patience for a lot extra.
Just wanted to let you know that I feel for ya sister!!! 😉
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