March 25, 2006 at 12:04 am #1956
I have so much on my plate right now and could use advice from someone on the outside. My husband and I are in our late twenties. We live in a house we picked out together with our precious 10-month old son and our two dogs. I’m a stay at home mom and he has a great job as a mortgage broker…….I cant complain because we are so thankful and have so much…..My problem is that after we finally got our life to where we want it (quiet and stable and OURS), my husband and I decided to allow my friend to move in with us. She is in the middle of a divorce and has no where to go with her daughter who is almost two. Since she has been here, my husband and I have been miserable. This girl likes to go out every night, leaving her daughter with her mother-in-law, parents, and occasionally with us. She is a very impatient mother and my husband and I worry about our son being exposed to yelling and temper tantrums. Her parenting and the very way she lives is totally opposite from us. On top of that, she doesn’t believe in God. We are torn between wanting our life back and wanting to “give of ourselves”. My husband suggested that since she came to us on the first day of Lent, maybe God wanted us to “rub off” on her and her innocent little girl??? Where can I draw the line and how? I know this all sounds so simple: give rules, get your house back……but somehow it seems impossible. On top of all of this, I am stressed about my health. I am awaiting some MRI results right now which may be making me oversensitive. Can someone tell me at which point I should end this for their good and mine
or when should I let it go and consider it a good deed? Thanks! Sorry this post was such a novel! JenniferMarch 25, 2006 at 3:47 am #2748
Wow, you have really got a lot on your plate, that’s for sure. When I read your post I recognized in your words a great deal of anxiety and emotion; it sounds as if you have just had it up to here and are ready to cry. Boy, do I know the feeling.
My advice to you would be, first — find a time for your husband to take your baby for an hour, and get to the nearest adoration chapel. If you don’t have one in your area, it might be trickier, but sometimes you can even just go sit in church before the tabernacle, esp. on Saturdays while Confession is going on. Get before the Lord, and allow Him to quiet your heart and mind. Sometimes when I do this it takes a full twenty or thirty minutes to unload each and every item that I am worried about, to yield it to Him, to tell Him about my frustrations, and then just sit in the silence and think about Him, and consider His blessedness. Honestly, even if you cannot pray about this, or feel that you are too distraught to hear the answer, try to get into the peace of His heart. Focus on His love, which is an ocean you can never get to the bottom of. He WILL refresh your soul. He can handle every single aspect of this complicated problem you have.
And anytime after this that you begin to feel that overwhelmed, I-can’t-handle-it, want-to-scream feeling, no matter where you are, remember the peace of your time with Him. And tell Him that you need it back, and ask Him to help you trust Him to get you through. The minute you are distressed, go in your mind back to the relief, the silence, and beg Him to commmand your heart back to peacefulness, and turn your thoughts to something good.
If no clear answer comes, though, here is what I might try: use St. Ignatius’ method of decision making. Make a list of the pros and cons of each choice before you. List absolutely everything you can think of, good and bad, for your friend staying, and for your friend going, and possibly for your friend staying under certain specific conditions, and possibly for her going but you helping her financially. Look at these reasons. Which choice, based on all the reasons, seems the most from God? And be honest. It is not necessarily the case the He requires you to go insane in order to bring your friend the dubious benefit of staying with you. After all, she may need to learn how to take care of herself, or to face her own vulnerability, or grow in patience, and grow up, period. But often the pro and con lists really can clarify for you where things really stand.
Finally, I would say this: as long as you are earnestly, truly seeking to God’s will, discerning to the best of your ability, I do not see how He could fail to be pleased with your decision, whatever it could be. And if you conclude that He seems to be asking you to continue offering your hospitality to this friend who is so needy, then He will definitely show you ways to do this without having it destroy your home life, your marriage, or your mental health.
I’ll pray for you tonight.March 28, 2006 at 8:18 am #2749
Hi Landons Mom and welcome.
I really liked Sybil’s advice and don’t have anything to add. I just wanted to let you know I hope things get sorted out in a way that works for you and your family and your feelings for your friend.
KarenMarch 28, 2006 at 11:32 pm #2750
Hello Landons Mom!
I am sure that you are struggling with such a different lifestyle in your household. Helping a friend like this is truely what God calls us to do. I agree with the advice from sibyl to go to the Lord. Let him give you the peace in whatever is best for everyone. I pray that you will know the way He wants you to go with this.March 31, 2006 at 6:23 pm #2751
i would go about helping her find another afforadable housing situation.
explain to her clearly that it is more stressful than you thought it would be to have another family living with you at this time in your lives.
give her a date to be out by and help her obtain that goal.
most of all be nice about it and understanding. she probably really needs friends right now.
as far as her dd rubbing off on your son i wouldn’t worry about that too much. all kids have tantrums from time to time and would get the same exposure from kids at preschool, a local park or wherever. as long as you enforce your limits with him he should be ok.April 6, 2006 at 4:42 am #2752
How are things going? Are you ok?May 28, 2006 at 5:36 pm #2753
Hello Landon’s Mom & family.
It seems that this friend has been residing at your home for a period of time. It is now time for her to “wake up” get her life “ingear” and move on. Sorry, this may seem harsh. Life is not a bed of roses, especially since she likes to party, yell at her 2 yr old, etc. She needs some “help” from an organization. You and your husband need to talk with the associated pastoral member at your church. The pastor is too busy for this one. They will have contacts for her to contact to move on with life.
You and YOUR FAMILY need to move on “out of this relationship” with her.
Yes, your son will “pick up” on these vibrations and it will not be good for him “see” this in your peaceful home.
Please take heart! Remember, Simon helped Jesus carry His Cross to
Calvary, but there was a point, Simon had to “let go” and Jesus carried it to the end. And that is where you need to go.
My prayers are with you.
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