Oldest Child and Confirmation

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  rosannajames 7 years, 5 months ago.

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  • #2076

    johnson8
    Member

    Good Morning Catholic Moms! I have a question for you and I know that most of you are young mothers with little ones and haven’t faced this time in life yet…but here goes…
    Just a bit of background info…We have six beautiful children, ranging from 13 months to 17 1/2 yrs. We have put forth every effort to raise our children in the faith. Now comes the question…
    Our oldest has always been a bit of a challenge. She questions everything. She has attended Catholic schools all of her life with the exception of middle school when I was on maternity leave from teaching (at the Catholic Schools) and we homeschooled her. Sucessfully, I might add.
    Well she has decided that she doesn’t feel she is Catholic. I have talked with her (probably too much) about this and she just stubbornly refuses to do anything to find information to answer her questions and will not get Confirmed.
    Ok…I must say that after many, many tears I find that at this point, prayer is what I must do. Never had I ever imagined that this would happen to one of our children.
    Have any of you been in a situation like this? She will not talk to a Priest about anything. I will say that she has had a terribly difficult year. Her best friend was tragically killed on her way to school last December and we had a beautiful Sister from Church come to the house and talk with her, but I don’t see anything in her faith life changing.
    My heart is breaking for her…Is prayer the only thing that I should do at this point?
    She is the type of child where if I tell her to do or try something, she will do the opposite. In everything else she is sucessful. She is graduating from her Catholic H.S. at the top of her class, she is attending a private, well known engineering school next Fall…

    Well, I am rambling. I guess I just want to hear from someone that this is common teen behavior, and possibly some suggestions. I haven’t posted in a while, but I am still around.

    I try to say a Chaplet and Rosary everyday for her and also ask for the intervention of Saint Monica.

    I sometimes think that Confirmation should be for 13 to 14 yrs. old again…If things were the way the were way back when I was a kid, she would be Confirmed.
    I don’t know.

    Looking forward for some wonderful Catholic Moms support..

    #3307

    rosannajames
    Member

    Wow that would be hard to deal with but you really can’t do much more than you are doing already. Just keep praying for her. I’m sure that she knows that we all have a free will and she will have to decide what she believes in.

    There was a boy in my oldest son’s class who decided not to be confirmed. They graduated and he went away to the military. I just heard from his aunt at a meeting that he had surprised them by getting confirmed. He did not tell the family about it ahead of time.

    So there is always hope. Just love her and keep praying for her!

    God bless!

    Lisa

    #3308

    mnmapeanut
    Member

    Can you get her to talk to one of her friends from the Catholic school she has been to.

    #3309

    johnson8
    Member

    I hate to say this, but I think her ‘issues’ started with 11th grade English Literature. She won’t talk about it but I think that is what started all of this…

    I heard on Relevant Radio about an hour after I posted someone talking about St. Monica. Just listen to what she was told by the Bishop regarding her son, Augustine…It went something like this: She asked the Bishop what to do about her son. The Bishop told her to “Stop talking to Augustine about God!! Talk more to God about Augustine.”

    I set down the pan that I was washing in the sink and just smiled. God provides. Sometimes I am just amazed at how God is always there for us.

    Thanks for replying. I’d love to hear more…

    #3310

    bibby
    Member

    Hi! I am a newbie, but had to answer you as soon as I could get on.
    I teach Confirmation to 9th graders & they are there mostly because of their parents. I do have one student that has been very verbal about not wanting to go to Church and not even sure if she believes in God and is pro-choice. I spoke to our pastor about this. We know the family & her twin brother is also in the class. At this time they have moved away, move to a new school & the parents are separated. I believe this has a lot to do with her “faith crisis.” Father said that she would be making her Confirmation on the mother’s faith. I guess he means kind of like Baptism of an infant, and since many are Confirmed at a young age, before they can “decide,” that made a lot of sense to me. I feel better knowing that I can just love her through whatever she is going through and not have to worry about convincing her to want to be confirmed. As long as she meets the requirements, then she is being confirmed. I never wanted her or anyone else out of the class because they disagree with what the Catholic Church teaches, because I am finding that many of the adults disagree with the Church’s positions on issues. Like I would with my own 15 yo DS and 17 yo DD, I want them there, even if they are “bored,” because I believe that at least they are there. (I have even at times, bribed my kids to do stuff!! Why not? Some of us get bribed to work with a paycheck!)

    I think your praying is so important! It is a reminder to me that I need to pray more for my own teenagers, because they are at a point where the Holy Spirit has to prompt them, not me. Thank you for sharing this with me. I believe our youth have so much to overcome, but they are also much smarter and will one day realize their relationship with Jesus is most important in their lives.
    God Bless!

    #3311

    johnson8
    Member

    Hi Bibby,
    Thank you for your post. I really think there is something to be said for younger Confirmation times. I believe that our other 5 children will not give us this problem, but our oldest has been quite a challenge.

    My prayers continue. And…I believe that some day, she will openly join us in our beautiful faith. My heart waits for that day! I have seen small positive changes in her in other areas and I know I need patience. (I’m not good at patience…I know I need to work on that area :)

    #3312

    nan
    Member

    Hi, I’m not sure this will be any comfort to you unless just knowing there are others in the same position helps. My second son spent the whole of high school avoiding being confirmed each Easter vigil.( we live in the cathedral parish and there is no Catholic school so parents present their children whenever they think best and the bishop confirms them at the Easter vigil along with the converts’ baptisms)It was frustrating and every year we would have a discussion that ended with “I just don’t think I’m ready.” followed by my “what will it take , who do you need to talk to?” and then he would speak to the pastor or the assistant but nothing ever came of it. Of course, concern led to more fervent prayer on my/our part, but that was all as far as I can see. When he had graduated from high school , he took our advice and went to Stuebenville College, because I knew that they insisted that all non confirmed Catholics take instruction and be confirmed there. He did all he was asked. He has always been committed to respectful obedience, still is. He was confirmed at the end of his freshman year, and came home to finish his schooling more economically. Within monthes he was asking us to not make him go to communion on Sundays. He said he just couldn’t in conscience, believe enough. By Christmas he asked if he could skip Mass! His stated concern was the example he was giving to his younger sister and brothers. My husband and I prayed and talked about it and we decided to ask him to go to Mass as long as he lived with us, but he could go to a different Mass than the family. We wanted him to present himself to God , to give Him the opportunity to fix whatever was wrong. For the rest of the three years he lived at home he got up early every Sunday dressed in his suit and went to early Mass. Every Lent we would make him go and talk to a priest about what was bothering him, but the situation didn’t change. When he got his degree he moved away (about one and a half hours drive) and has not gone to church since.(well, weddings and funerals) Some of what bothers me most is that I know if we said “just go” he would do it, but it just doesn’t seem right for that to be our call. He is now 31.
    I have spent lots of time in pretty desparate prayer along the lines of “I don’t think I can be happy in heaven without my children.-Please please, please!” It’s been almost two years since I came to some more peace about my worries for them. I have repented of my statement that Jesus alone would not be enough for me- of course He is! God has more power than Brian’s sin and desire to be miserable, which he is. Someday he will crack and grace that has been dammed up will come pouring in.
    I thought maybe my story would help you see that making the choice for your child may not help in the long run. Brian’s story just shows how much all that we have in the Church and our relationship with God is grace and gift, not us at all.
    I’ll be praying for you and your family.

    #3313

    johnson8
    Member

    Dear Nan,
    Through tears I have a peace about me right now. Thank you so much for your response. God Bless you and your family.

    I will not give up in my belief that our daughter will come back. I always pray that the Blessed Mother continue to hold her hand until she decides to return, fully. She has always had a special devotion to St. Joan of Arc and I ask that she too pray for her.

    Your story has touched me. To know that others experience this sorrow is comforting. My friends do not seem to understand why I am so pained by all of this.

    Please feel free to message me. My parents have both passed away and sometimes this ‘mom’ work is so hard. Usually I try to be the ‘strong’ one on this site contributing where I see the need. You have taught me that I have much to learn.

    #3314

    mommandm
    Member

    I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that is for you. All I can offer is that you shouldn’t push her too hard. I have the same kind of personality…push me in one direction and I go in the other. When she isn’t being pushed, maybe she’ll warm up to it.

    Good luck and God bless,

    Nicole

    #3315

    johnson8
    Member

    Hi everyone! Last week Tuesday night I thought I had reached my breaking point with our oldest…she wouldn’t say a prayer with us before our dinner.

    I need to say that I have been praying rosaries and chaplets for her and also asking for the intercession of St. Joan of Arc and St. Monica (see first post above)

    I have a different daughter!!!!! :D :D :D :D

    She (on her own) decided to go to Reconciliation at her school. I did not even know that she was thinking of going.
    …She got into the car on Thursday after school and matter of factly told me that she “spoke” to our Priest and he would like her to be Confirmed on Holy Saturday. I was speechless and immediately started to tear with joy. We called the Priest and he is working on arrangements.

    Isn’t that wonderful??? I feel like I have my beautiful daugter back and believe me, she has been missing for a long time!!!

    She went to Church with the family on Sunday and we laughed because we forgot how difficult it was to fit all of us in one pew!

    I wish I could thank every single one of you personally. Singing prayers of Thanksgiving!!!

    #3316

    rosannajames
    Member

    That is wonderful!!! :D I’m so happy for you all! Glad to hear that she came around! Prayer is powerful! God bless!

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