Need advice on getting tubes tied

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This topic contains 11 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by  mama2_boys 7 years, 1 month ago.

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  • #2080

    4mom
    Member

    Hello everyone. I am new to this site and thought that this would be a great place to receive advice on very difficult topics. I am a mother of 4 beautiful children. They are 4 years, 3 years, 16 mths, and 9 wks. I also had a miscarriage several years ago. My husband has had 5 jobs in the last 5 years. Our financial situation has been very unstable and with each child it gets more difficult to adjust financially. With all of my pregnancies I had to have a cervical cerclage placed so that I would not miscarry because I have an incompetant cervix. My husband, who is a convert, really wants me to get my tubes tied because of financial reasons and also because when I have the cerclage placed we are not allowed to be intimate. My husband feels as though in our 7 years of marriage we were only together just the times that we created our children. I know that procreation is the whole reason behind that, but it is also difficult to abstain from your spouse for so long and then end up pregnant again right away and having to abstain again. My doctor said that I should have my tubes tied because each time I get pregnant I am more at risk. I asked a priest whether or not that would be acceptable and he said that it would. I was ready to have them tied as soon as I had my daughter, but something keeps pulling me back. I am so conflicted on what to do. The hardest part is that my husband is in the Navy so he will be gone alot. I am having a very difficult time now trying to raise my children by myself. I am constantly having to be insulted by people who know me and those who don’t for having children. I am scared that if I do it that I will regret it for the rest of my life. I also have a son who is 4 years old who becomes violent when he is mad. I am trying to resolve his issues, but I feel that I can’t keep putting him on the back burner with more children. Another issue that I am having is that my husband is coming home to see me in march. I haven’t seen him in 2 months now. When I see him it will only be for 1 week and then I won’t see him for at least 6 mths. Since I just had a baby, I haven’t yet gotten my period back and don’t know when fertility will arrive. There isn’t any way of natural family planning at this point of being effective. I don’t know what to do because abstaining from my husband is a sin in itself, but we don’t want to have another child now. Please help if you have any advice.

    #3323

    rosannajames
    Member

    Praying for you! I just heard of a woman who had her tubes tied and even though she is 48, just found out that she is pregnant. I would advise you to look into Natural Family Planning. God bless and help you in your situation!

    #3324

    julka
    Member

    Like previous poster said, I’d also advise you to look into Natural Family Planning. Why is NFP a problem for you? A woman is only fertile for a very short time every month.. and considering your husband is away a lot, intimacy is not possible a lot… so why would you want to do this tube tying thing? Can you try using NFP, figuring out when you’re fertile, and abstaining during that period??

    #3325

    sens
    Member

    Both my sisters had their tubes tied after having kids. I know for a fact our 2 local parish priests didn’t scorn them or tell them its a no go. I really can’t see this as being wrong at all, especially if you have good reasons including your health. Like a priest said to me once “It’s not the 1930′s anymore”

    Hugs hun!

    #3326

    rosannajames
    Member

    Dear 4mom,

    I asked a lady who is an NFP consultant about your post and what she would suggest. Here is her reply:

    Would you give her my email address (sfp@thosepetersons.com)and encourage her to contact me?

    NFP absolutely, positively CAN be effective for her even though her cycles have not yet returned and there is no reason she should have to choose between total abstinence and another pregnancy before they are able to handle one.

    I would be more than happy to teach her NFP via emails and phone calls so she doesn’t need a babysitter and I don’t charge anything at all for instruction so finances shouldn’t be an issue.

    The priest she spoke to was wrong. Having one’s tubes tied is always, ALWAYS gravely immoral and the ‘something’ that is pulling her back is the Holy Spirit speaking to her conscience.

    Here is what the Catechism of the Catholic Church says:

    “Legitimate intentions on the part of the spouses do not justify recourse to morally unacceptable means (for example, direct sterilization or contraception).” (2399)

    And here is what Pope John Paul II said, “Contraception is to be judged so profoundly unlawful as to be never, for any reason, justified. To think or to say the contrary is equal to maintaining that in human life, situations may arise in which it is lawful not to recognize God as God.”

    From her post it sounds as though she does have very good reasons to avoid pregnancy, but serious reasons to avoid pregnancy justify the use of NFP – NEVER the use of contraception or sterilization.

    I will keep this woman and her family in my prayers and please feel free to post this PM if you think it would help.

    In Him,
    Sara

    ///Here is also the site where you can ask questions about NFP etc…

    http://p205.ezboard.com/fcatholicmomcommunityfrm120

    God bless and I hope this information gives you some help!

    #3327

    julka
    Member

    I agree with Rosannajames. Tying your tubes is completely wrong, I have no idea why that priest told you that, maybe he’s not well informed on the issue, AND HE SHOULD BE. People make up all kinds of reasons to have their tubes tied, when in the end it all comes down to 1 thing: justifying. Justifying, justifying, justifying. Serious health reasons could potentially be a good reason, but it has to be very serious. Saying you’ve had 5 kids and that’s enough, you’ve done your job, it not good enough.

    #3328

    Try reading some of the other posts on here regarding this subject. Some of the posters have some great advice!
    I was trying to talk my DH into a vesectomy when I read the book “Good News About Sex and Marriage-Answers to your honest questions about Catholic teaching” by Christopher West. It changed my life. I actually converted to Catholicism partially due to reading this book (as well of 10 years of studying Catechism and praying). And I was a Baptist minister’s kid!!!
    Please have your DH read this book as well, it will give your marriage a boost as the two of you pray about this together. I have always understood it to be a sin to use ABC or get permanantly “fixed” according to the Catholic church.
    Good luck and keep praying! God knows your struggles!
    Heather

    #3329

    jjoliger
    Member

    Many, many counselors can attest to marriages failing after one of the partners get “fixed.” One counselor that writes for Couple to Couple League says that as soon as a couple comes in, the first question he asks them is to find out which one has been fixed. There is something about the gift of procreation that makes the marriage sacred and last. I have 7 children and my youngest (2mos old) has Down’s and every single one of my kids are gifts from God. Did we go through hard times and struggles, yes!!!! At one point I had 5 children ages 7 on Down, and I’m sure there are many out there who can attest to the same. No one said it was going to be easy. And the thought of getting pregnant again at the age of 42 and having an even higher risk of having a Down’s baby again, scares me to death. I will use NFP, as fertility late in life runs in my family, but I will accept what God has planned for me. Study and read the suggestions people have mentioned, talk to the NFP person, pray like crazy, but don’t do something that you will regret later.

    #3330

    lynnt
    Member

    @Sens wrote:

    Both my sisters had their tubes tied after having kids. I know for a fact our 2 local parish priests didn’t scorn them or tell them its a no go. I really can’t see this as being wrong at all, especially if you have good reasons including your health. Like a priest said to me once “It’s not the 1930′s anymore”

    Hugs hun!

    I’m sorry, this is completely against Church teaching and doctrine. It is wrong because you are subverting God’s will. I agree with Heather…West’s “Good News” book is a terrific resource! After reading it, I totally understood why the Church holds the position it does. I also recommend listening to his CDs on the Theology of the Body, which are based on JPII’s encyclicals.

    The marital act is something beautiful and sacred, and part of the reason is because it is supposed to show your openness to new life.

    I pray for you and your husband ((HUGS))

    #3331

    dom-mommy
    Member

    4mom,

    I just wanted to say that you are absolutely justified in your feelings. What you are doing is heroic. You are living the gospel HEROICALLY. And that is never easy. And the Evil One wants to stop you. He wants to destroy the HEROIC example that you are setting for your children. Because if He can do that, there will be four more people in world who believe His lies instead of the TRUTH of Gospel.

    There are many ways to avoid a pregnancy, without complete abstinence, that are approved by the Church. They will all take some time and effort on your part and on the part of your husband to learn, and feel confident in. I think that what you need right now is some practical help and advice.

    I would recommend, that if you aren’t already sleeping with your newborn and nursing her through the night, you should be. If you aren’t, you may already be fertile, but it can’t hurt to sleep with her and it might keep your fertility from returning. That said, you can also start to chart all of your signs so that by cross referencing you can get a better picture of where you are. You should also make sure that you nap as much as possible, even if you have to hire a babysitter. I know that money is tight, but try asking around at church and you may find a lonely old woman who never sees her own grandchildren who might like to help. You should also do your best to eat as much fresh fruit and vegetables as possible. And your son, maybe after all the other kids have gone to bed, you could get him up and just sit with him and watch a video or read some stories, just with him. Nothing to profound, but I have found with my own children that sometimes a few minutes with mommys undivided attention can really help. And you might have to do that once a week.

    My prayers are with you,
    dom-mommy.

    #3332

    celticspirit
    Member

    I think that everyone covered the NFP topic very well…

    So, I’ll move on to the comment you made about your son. I’m a mommy to 2 special needs kids. The outburts you talk about sounds like it could be normal kid stuff or something more.

    If you need to talk about helping your son, please, please, please, let me know. PM me. Yell for me here, whatever. Talk to me. I’m more than happy to help point you in the right direction.

    #3333

    mama2_boys
    Member

    I agree with all that has been said about NFP. Contact Sara the NFP lady that Roseanna James recommended. SHE IS WONDERFUL and really knows her stuff!!!!!! I can’t recommend her enough.

    And, it is really unfortunate that we have so many priests who will not embrace the church’s teachings on ABC and sterilization. We really must pray for them and their souls because they are leading many astray.

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