How do you get your husband to do things?

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  josie 7 years, 2 months ago.

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  • #2141

    What do all your husbands do around the house? My husband takes the trash out. That is about it. He will do a load of laundry here and there. His mom did everything for him up until the day we got married. She cleaned his room did his laundry put it away even served him food whenever he asked. It could be ten at night and he would come home and she would make him dinner then serve him on the couch or in his room. I don’t think its wrong for a man to have to contribute to the household chores. How else will the kids learn to do them? I don’t want my kids to think the woman does everything in the house. I also don’t want to have unrealistic expectations of him. He says he does things and I just don’t notice. Also he says he doesn’t know what needs to be done. This more then anything makes me very angry. I think that if you live in your own house and you function as a family you should know what needs to be done. He asks me to tell him. I feel more like a mother if I have to constantly ask/tell him what to do. I mean I have to ask a good three times to get the trash taken out. Then he uses the excuse of when he does something he can never do it right. Is there a way to persuade him with kindness to do more? Or is it just that he is irresponsible. I also really don’t know what to expect of him. I didn’t grow up with a father. My grandpa was around but my grandma did most of the household chores. Now days my grandpa does a lot more then she does. So I’m not really sure what to expect from the husband roll in the house. Is it my job to do every single thing?

    #3565

    julka
    Member

    No, you’re right. He can’t just sit there and have you slave around him all day. If he can’t understand to take more responsibility in words, than maybe he’ll understand in actions.

    For example, don’t iron his shirts one day. Or don’t fold his laundry, just let it sit there. Or make dinner just for yourself. Seriously, maybe this sounds silly to you, but that’s what I would do. He needs to see for himself how much you do and that he’s equally part of the family just as you are. Everyone has to contribute. You are not his personal maid.

    Some men just need to understand things the hard way. I don’t know how old your kids are, but do they have responsibilities? If they do, then that’s a good thing because everyone needs to have some sort of responsibility.

    In my house, my husband folds his own laundry once I wash it. His mom also folded his laundery when he lived at home, but he knows I won’t do it so it’s either he does it himself or it will sit there unfolded. He figured he just better fold it and that’s that. He also washes dishes a few times a week, takes out the garbage when he leaves for work, I send him grocery shopping on his way home from work; he also dusts. Dusting is his responsibility and that’s that. We just created these rules and we follow them.

    Good luck!

    #3566

    @Julka wrote:

    No, you’re right. He can’t just sit there and have you slave around him all day. If he can’t understand to take more responsibility in words, than maybe he’ll understand in actions.

    For example, don’t iron his shirts one day. Or don’t fold his laundry, just let it sit there. Or make dinner just for yourself. Seriously, maybe this sounds silly to you, but that’s what I would do. He needs to see for himself how much you do and that he’s equally part of the family just as you are. Everyone has to contribute. You are not his personal maid.

    Some men just need to understand things the hard way. I don’t know how old your kids are, but do they have responsibilities? If they do, then that’s a good thing because everyone needs to have some sort of responsibility.

    In my house, my husband folds his own laundry once I wash it. His mom also folded his laundery when he lived at home, but he knows I won’t do it so it’s either he does it himself or it will sit there unfolded. He figured he just better fold it and that’s that. He also washes dishes a few times a week, takes out the garbage when he leaves for work, I send him grocery shopping on his way home from work; he also dusts. Dusting is his responsibility and that’s that. We just created these rules and we follow them.

    Good luck!

    He would most likley leave it unfolded and wear it to work wrinkled. My kids are 3 and 4 but they do help pick up and gather laundry. They also help on trash day to take out the bathroom trashes. Thanks for the input!

    #3567

    We’ve been married for 10 years and I didn’t know ANYTHING about how men function when I got married. I was either always hinting around about things I needed him to do, or getting mad at him for not noticing things I needed help with. One day he just said, “Make me a list, and when I have a few moments, I’ll pull out the list and work on the stuff.” He works really hard all week (60+ hours per week at a labor intensive job) so I try to do ALL the stuff inside the house and homeschool my 4 year old and take care of our 1 year old. But, he does most of the OUTSIDE work (lawn care, cleaning the garage, picking up dog poo). He does all the repairs and stuff inside…IF I put it on the list!!! We get along great just taking care of each of our responsibilities. And when one of us is sick, the other pitches in.
    I think we as women don’t realize that men are usually glad to do things for us as long as we’re not nagging at them, or expecting them to do it the second we ask. It has worked a whole lot better for us when I just leave a list. Sometimes it may take him a month to finish the list, but that’s okay…it got done!

    Ask him how/when he would like you to ask him to help. Communication is the key. Oh, and I always thank DH for anything he does. In turn, he has been much more appreciative of me.
    Our marriage is SO much better than it was before.

    good luck!
    Heather

    #3568

    mommandm
    Member

    My husband was the same way, he was definitely not used to doing things around the house!! But over time its gotten easier. I get as much done during the week as possible, then on the weekend we both clean the house while my parents spend time with the kids. And i’m not gonna lie, he stinks at cleaning the house! But I really try to praise any effort he makes and gently correct him when he doesn’t do things quite right. Its hard, I can be a little too critical of him because its frustrating to me that he can’t seem to these things right all the time, and sometimes I have to go back and do it again. But I really try not to because any help is better than no help! And the poor guy really was never taught to do this stuff, so he doesn’t have the experience I have. It must be so frustrating to him to see me struggling to get all these things done, and he truly does want to help but he feels helpless sometimes because I tend to just kind of trudge on and do it all myself for the saking of it being done “right,” which is often, in all honesty, simply my way and not necessarily the correct way. I try to have us switch off jobs every week, like one week I”ll do the bathrooms and the next week I’ll have him do them, that way I know they’re getting “mom clean” at least every other week. I’m also getting my 2 year old to “help” mama so that when he’s a little older he can really help me. He loves to dust, and he has his own mop and broom (they have them at toys r us) for when i do the floors. He really gets into it, and often he really does help me!

    This might help you when your husband wants to help but you feel like he should just know what to do. I keep a dry erase board on the fridge with the week’s/day’s undone tasks. I am very list-oriented, otherwise nothing gets done. So if he wants a task, I say just check the board. LIke right now it says, “bathrooms…pick up upstairs…clean laundrey room” or something like that. So if he looks at that he knows what there is to be done. WE’ve just started doing this, and so far so good!

    #3569

    burrisfam1
    Member

    I can COMPLETELY feel your frustration. In the beginning when we were childless and both working, we would pick one night and clean and if I made a list, he’d peck away at it until things were done. In retrospect I was guilty of nit picking and instisting things were done ‘right’ AKA my way! Then when DS came along and I quit working outside, I had plenty of time to take care of everything myself. Even after DD 2 years later I was in control but again if I asked, he’d help. I’m not sure why it annoyed me so badly to have to ask for each thing. Why couldn’t he just see that there are toys everywhere, dishes in the sink, and spilled milk on the floor???? Then when DD2 came along just barely 1 year later, things changed for me. I don’t care if I have to ask, as long as it gets done. And not much gets cleaned the way I’d like (including what I do) but I don’t really have time to care about that. I should be cleaning right now!! But having a little down time while hubby & kids nap is a treat. I’ve decided to accept my house won’t be as clean as I like and my husband isn’t going to see the laundry piling up even when he has no clean underwear.

    Here is what works for me. Praise him! Like he just invented a cure for cancer! Not disingenuine, but when he cleans the bathroom, he wants to hear THANK YOU! He hears wow! that makes my life so much easier, I appreciate your help so much! The bathroom sure looks nice! And then the next time he finishes shaving he remembers what a pain it is to clean up all those little hairs and he picks up a little better after himself. But for my husband, he wants to know I appreciate him, that his help is invaluable to me and that I know he’s making an effort.

    It’s taken me 3 kids and almost 6 years of marriage to figure it out but it seems to be working for us. He’s a good, hardworking man that wants to be a good example to his children. I am very lucky. Keep praying for him too! If God can move a mountain, surely he can help your husband see the trash!

    God Bless!

    #3570

    josie
    Member

    I guess I can’t complain – if anything, perhaps my husband has some room to do so about me. You see, I’m married to a crazy neat freak – obsessive compulsive actually. This, to me is stressful because after a long day at home with 2 little ones, I don’t get much done and if the house is out of order, it stresses my DH out which in turn stresses me out. Of course.. when I do have honey do’s for him, he is good with the procrastination. It usually involves mounting something on the wall for me or something. So, after I ask him, remind him, I then remind him that I don’t want to be labelled as a nag because I hate that – I then usually wait until I see him decide to sit and watch TV, then in front of him (without acting like it), I start pulling out the screws, step stool, etc. myself. This usually hurts his pride and perhaps grunts but gets up. That usually works. If I don’t do that, I try and think of something he needs/wants me to do – mend something of his, etc. – sit by him and do it and make the comment, “sorry for not doing this sooner – I know you’ve been wanting it done” Now I have my foundation for reminding him a little later in the day about what I needed. This ALWAYS works!

    -Josie

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