January 4, 2007 at 11:22 pm #2056
DH and I got on this topic the other night. We’re expecting our third this summer and I guess I dropped a bombshell when I said I didn’t want an AFP test, etc. I told him there wasn’t any point because it wouldn’t change anything for me or the baby. The whole discussion landed us in a “why abortion is wrong”, rights of children and responsibilities of other people to each other.
I must admit, I’m saddened by my husband’s take on some things. He’s of the mind that if he, the children or myself became incapacitated, either through accident, injury or disease, and incapable of rehabilitation, the person in question should be turned over to the state so the remaining family wouldn’t have to be “lowered” to having to care for such a grossly incapacitated individual.
I understand, to a point. I have to say that if something like that happened or we had a child with severe problems, we might have to look for outside help from therapists, nurses, etc. but I just can’t see “giving up” on someone because they are no longer fully “functional”. I mean, it is kind of frightening to think of myself and my loved ones as only as valuable as their “functionality”.
Of course, I WANT healthy, happy children and to be healthy and happy myself. However, family IS for better or worse, in sickness AND in health. The idea that “burdensome” individuals should be offloaded is…well…cruel.
DH would want an AFP test as a genetic screener so that if there was a “problem” we could “take care of it early” aka abort so that no one would “suffer”. I told him, a child is a child and you can’t just kill it because it isn’t perfectly formed. End of story. Which lead to, if one of our children became gravely ill, they would still be our child and still need us–no matter how much work it required from us in the process. DH said “that is different, you’re talking about kids who are already here” and at that point I just wanted to scream. So, I more or less gave up.
The whole idea haunts me, though. God help me if I’m ever severely injured and become a burden. Sometimes, I’d swear my husband was raised by wolves.January 5, 2007 at 4:04 pm #3234
It seems like your husband believes that life occurs at birth, instead of at conception. Most people who are pro-abortion believe so – to them an unborn baby (fetus) it’s just a bunch of cells and is not a developing human being (who has a beating heart, can thuck its thumb, smile, yawn, etc), therefore abortion is not a problem.
I think that every child is a gift from God, and God doesn’t create anything ugly. Everything He creates is beautiful in its own unique way and we have to learn to appreciate it. As hard as it might be, a child with special needs (as severe as they may be) still has a soul, has feelings & emotions, needs a home, and needs someone to love them. Of course we might need outside assistance to help them grow in their own pace, but that doesn’t take away from their need for our love and to know they have a place in this world. They are human beings too!
I completely understand your need to skip the abnormality screening tests – I would also take on any child regardless of their disability. But I still wanted to know beforehand mainly so I can prepare emotionally for a child that might have special needs. And sometimes the nursery or clothing might need to be adjusted, etc as well, so at least I’d have a few months to prepare myself for this new baby that might need special or extra care from me.
I hope your husband changes his mind on this & learns to realize the beauty of each human being, after all none of us are perfect to begin with.
JuliaJanuary 5, 2007 at 4:37 pm #3235
I guess what makes it extra hard is that we lost our third child in the 6th month of pregnancy to a rare congenital defect. It wasn’t genetic. It was just one of those strange instances where all of the doctors threw their hands up and said “we just don’t know why this happens”.
So, I have some familiarity with poor prenatal diagnosis and what it means. I also know that AFP results can be misleading and lead to more risky procedures.
I never mentioned it to DH, but I’ve *never* taken an AFP test and have consistently told my OBs that I would not consent to amnio. Ultrasound (especially level II if required) tends to catch anything you need to know about (including downs syndrome, neural tube defects and a myriad of other disorders). Our last child’s illness was confirmed by ultrasound.
I told my OB, (I switched to a Catholic OB, btw, after 3 pregnancies with the same OB–let’s just say I can’t claim “no hard feelings”, but that is a long story) that if anything is wrong, I don’t want to know about it unless there is something that can be done before or after birth to improve the outcome.
DH says I just want to put on blinders and not live in the real world. That’s not it at all. I just know that if there ever were a diagnosis incompatible with life, I’d rather spend my last days pregnant with this little one happy than “waiting for the end”. I also refuse to be pressured to abort and, as I told my OB, if fetal demise occurs, I will not be subjected to a D&E. They’d better induce labor and treat the remains with respect and dignity.
I don’t see how this isn’t “realistic”.
I’m so relieved to have an OB that understands, at least. Odds are, everything will be fine, but, it is important to have an understanding with my husband–having been there before. Besides that, DH just needs the exposure to a different idea. This “loved until useless” concept has GOT TO GO. It is garbage/lazy/cruel thinking. It’s just modern-day barbarism.January 9, 2007 at 12:43 am #3236
Just wanted to update. DH and I had a heart-to-heart and it is better now. I guess there was some miscommunication on both parts. Hmm, hormones have anything to do with that? I wonder
Of course, DH mentioned the other night about vasectomy again. Not this again. Pregnancy makes him so nervous and weird. Then again, I guess that makes him the kettle and me the pot….Only…6? 7? more months of this? 8)January 13, 2007 at 6:35 pm #3237
I’m glad you were able to talk things out and iron out some difference.
I refuse to have any of that testing and here is why: I don’t care what the tests says, I will not abort a child. I lost 10 babies in the past 10 years and I will not purposely cause the loss of another one. Period.
Also, I am the kind of person who, if the test were to come back positive about something, I would spend the rest of the pregnancy fretting and worrying instead of enjoying the life in my womb. Some women prefer to know beforehand so they can prepare themselves. I’m just not one of them.
Many prayers that you and DH will be able to ge ton the same page about family!June 7, 2007 at 6:38 pm #3238
I agree. I signed a waiver for the triple screen and whatnot, after talking to my husband. We both agreed that no matter what disability the child might have, we’d have to ‘deal’ with it, because abortion is not an option.
In fact, there’s a little girl here in Jacksonville that made national news: http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/local/news-article.aspx?storyid=28372 There were viewer emails that said “that child should have been destroyed (yes, that was the word they used!!!! ) at birth”… Both my husband and I shook our head in disgust, and it opened a line of communication.
Basically what I’m saying is that I don’t feel it’s necessary. Next time, if I have a downs baby, I’ll be ok!July 19, 2007 at 10:05 pm #3239
I let my midwife’s back up doctor test me for my blood type and for my group beta strep, that’s it. I had no ultrasounds as new research shows they are harmful to a fetus. I had my baby at home with my midwife friend who I used to assist at births. She used a doppler to check for hearttones periodically throughout my labor. And nothing was done to my baby after his birth except his exam. I am not a crazy person either. On the contrary, I am a pre-med student. I went back to school to become a family doctor after assisting my midwife for a year. I simply did a lot of research before becoming pregnant on procedures and parenting and made well informed decisions for the well being of my child. Not only are those tests unnecessary they can be harmful and even cause miscarriage. Your baby was given to you and you obviously aren’t planning on discarding it if it isn’t perfect. Although, chances are it will be the lord and our bodies have a way of making them perfect.July 27, 2007 at 11:27 pm #3240
This is the first that I have heard about new research about U/S being harmful to a fetus. Im wondering if you know where I might be able to find any of this information?? Thanks, GinaJuly 29, 2007 at 4:04 am #3241
We refused the tests, as well for all of our children.
The nurse who had to have me sign the papers whispered to me,” I don’t blame you.” Am I correct in my assumption (given I had to sign a waiver) that it is the law in some states that the tests be offered? I’m pretty sure they are also required to give you the “birth control talk” at your follow up. My last few children, they’ve just kinda glossed over it, knowing that we’re Catholic.
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