Child not invited – how to handle?

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  twinbabes 7 years ago.

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  • #2198

    michelle123
    Member

    DD came home from school in tears yesterday, and I’m not sure how to handle the situation.

    Supposedly there was a party scheduled for this weekend that she was not invited to. What makes it worse is that apparently ALL of the other girls in her class got invitations in the mail last week.

    The Birthday girl is very friendly with my daughter in class, and they haven’t had any recent fallings-out. I’m not sure exactly what happened. I told DD that we moved two years ago, and the Mom probably had an old class list. The Mom is someone none of us really see at school ever, so it’s impossible that she has taken a dislike to my husband or I. Her daughter rides the bus from out of town, so she’s never at drop off or pickup.

    I’m absolutely crushed to see DD this way. She ran out to check the mail right away today “in case the invite got delayed.” :cry:

    I’m trying to put the best face possible on this. I mean, it’s a Catholic School. You wouldn’t think the Mom or child would be that cruel – right?
    Must have been a mistake.

    I feel as though I should do something – but I hate to call the Mom after the fact and make her feel badly if it WAS a mistake.

    I’m really fighting doing the wrong thing – like throwing a big social for all the Moms and NOT inviting her! :evil:

    Should I call the Mom? Should I find an opportunity to ask the little girl – and let her know someone’s feelings got hurt? It would be different even if a few children hadn’t been invited – I can understand a lack of space, etc. But she was the ONLY one! :cry:

    BTW – DD is not a behaviour problem. She’s sweet and smart and makes friends easily. So it’s not like they were excluding a “trouble maker.” What should I do?

    My four year old told her sister that she couldn’t understand “Why they wouldn’t want the nicest, smartest girl in the class there!” What a great little sister! :)

    Anyways- I did some fun things with DD today to take her mind off of it. She’ll be OK, I’m sure….but it’s going to very difficult for me to act Christian toward this Mom and daughter.

    Advice? Thanks!

    #3744

    burrisfam1
    Member

    Before acting, are you 100% positive that EVERY other child was invited?

    There is a chance that it was an oversight, and there is a chance that it wasn’t. Before doing anything, be sure to weigh the pros and cons and then remember that little eyes are watching! I’m sure you were just letting off steam but the whole let’s get back ‘nah-nah-na-nah-na’ thing probably wouldn’t be a great idea for your kids.

    Possible solutions:

    Probably going to the source (mom) is the best idea. Be as graceful as possible. I would just approach it as my daughter thinks that the rest of the class but her was invited and she is sad. Listen to what the mom says. It may turn out that the girl got to pick 6 friends and your daughter just wasn’t in her top 6 picks. Or maybe there was an address problem. In the end, do you really think your daughter wants to go if it is an afterthought or was invited just because my mom called?

    Do nothing. Sometimes it’s just life. We don’t want our kids to be sad but they are going to be. We need to remind them that God’s love is first and foremost the most important. And she can never lose that!

    Schedule something else fun to do. Chances are if you don’t make a big deal out of it, neither will she.

    Best of luck!

    #3745

    michelle123
    Member

    Thanks for the advice.

    It wasn’t really the “not attending” part that bothered DD……it was the “not being invited.” DD’s best friend (who was invited) chose not to go. Told the girl she had other plans.

    It really wasn’t a “not enough space” issue….it’s a very small class; so,
    yes – I’m positive that every other girl was invited. I’m friendly with all of the Moms, too – so I know this to be the case.

    I decided that my calling the mother was not the best approach. DD is in 3rd grade and is a very eloquent child. We talked about the issue, and decided that she would nicely ask the girl (after party weekend was done) if there was any problem between them, because she’d like to work it out. When the girl said, “No,” DD said, “Because I was wondering why I was the only one not invited to your party.” DD even let the girl off gracefully. (I was SO proud!!!!) She said, “I figured it was because you probably had my old address and the invitation got mis-sent.”

    The girl said that she wondered why DD didn’t come (I still have my doubts as to whether or not the invite was actually sent.) I feel better because DD feels better about at least letting the girl know that she had felt hurt and that – if it was intentional – it wasn’t nice.

    I’m sure that someone would have called to see why we didn’t RSVP if one was actually sent. Don’t most people call the non-responders? I’m pretty sure they either totally forgot her or there was an intentional reason behind it that I don’t know. I’m sure it’s some third grade drama that Moms aren’t in on! But….I really don’t care for one simple reason:
    Seeing my DD handle the situation so gracefully by herself was one of my proudest parenting moments!! She learned so much from this.

    I’m really not concerned about any possibility that DD is the class outcast or anything! I’ve stood back and watched her interracting with the other girls, and they all get along great. As a matter of fact, a bunch of them are getting together this weekend.

    Of course, we also used it as a lesson about how God wants us to treat other people as we’d like to be treated. I doubt if DD would ever consider exclusing someone to be mean.

    So…in summary….I’m happy to report that all’s well that ends well.

    #3746

    twinbabes
    Member

    I am happy you worked things out, but our problem is similar.
    I have twin boys and one son gets invited and the other one doesn’t. The reason my one son doesn’t get invited is because he has eczema and the kids laugh at him and call him names. But I have spoken with my son and told him he is still special cause God made him and God does not make junk, he makes everyone special in their own way.
    This has happened on several occasions. Also they have had birthday parties and I invited the whole class so as not to leave anyone out. Now they are both not invited to a certain chosen few. This has been going on for a few years.
    So we have excluded these birthday parties and we have a party with the family. We go and have Pizza and go bowling or swimming at a pool.
    The boys feel better about this cause we are a family celebrating their birthday together.
    As for the kids in the classrooms that send invitations out and my boys don’t receive one they tell me they like the way we celebrate their birthdays better. My twins are 9 years old and this has been since grade 1 and they are in grade 4.
    Brenda

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