Anyone struggling with TL?

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  gksteiner 5 years, 7 months ago.

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  • #2257

    gksteiner
    Member

    In 2001 when the youngest of my four children was born my husband and I made the selfish and incredibly sinful descion to have a tubal ligation. A few years later I started to have twinges of wanting another child but still the smell of even a clean diaper made me shudder after having spent the last 9 years either pregnant, with an infant, or both. I figured it was just a phase and it would go away. Well it didn’t, in fact the twinges turned into longing and only got stronger. Then in October of last year I missed a period (I’ve always been VERY regular) and even though I knew it was very unlikely I allowed myself to hope for just a second that God had decided to over look my sin and bless us with another child anyway….AS IF!!!! Since then I haven’t been able to stop thinking and praying about how we cut God out of our marriage, there is a tangable hole there. At first my husband thought I was crazy joking that half the time I don’t like the kids we already have! (I have to admit that he’s kind of right :oops: ) Motherhood has not always been an easy journy for me, but very rewarding and has provided me with plenty of opportunity for growth and of course I love them all and wouldn’t send any of them back!
    Then a few months ago after an evening bible study he came home and announced that he thought we should have the tubal reversed. Knowing the joker he is I didn’t take him seriously at first and told him not to toy with my emotions….he wasn’t kidding, which has only added fuel to my obsession of having another baby. So we started praying and researching tubal ligation reversal, which brings us to present day.
    There are only a few doctors in the country who perform this difficult surgery and we are blessed enough to live in an area where one of them practices, but the fee is pretty steep and since I have a hard time keeping the checking account in the black most of the time as it is I’m not sure how we are going to get there. I know, with God, through prayer all things are possible if it’s His will, which is where I’m stuck. The more I pray over this situation the more I realize just how deep this sin is and the more the layers of sin are revealed to me. I’m at the point now of trying to discern my intentions of wanting the reversal. Am I only sorry now because I can’t get what I want, or do I truly desire only to reconcile my relationship with Christ, or is it some combination of both? And will the answers to these questions determin whether or not God will grant us the reversal? If my intentions aren’t pure now it is possible to change them, and even if it is possible am I capable? These aren’t questions anyone else can answer for me of course, but I was hoping that maybe there is someone else out there who is in a similar situation or has had some experience with it and could offer me some new points of reference.

    #3956

    kartochat
    Member

    I know exactly how you feel I’m going through the same thing right now. I wish that I had listened to my instincts and not had this procedure done 8 weeks ago after the birth of my son, but instead my husband and I decided to follow our own selfish intuitions.

    I’ve been feeling so distant from my husband reciently and I don’t know what to do about it. Durring my last pregnancy with my son we were debating what to do as far as birthcontroll wis afterwards. We are both catholic and knew we didn’t want to use and artificial form like the pill because of obvious religious moral issues surrounding birth controll. I couldn’t stand the idea of gerint pregnant and having it unintentionaly aborted. And NFP wasn’t working for us because I have such an irregular cycle it’s extreemly dificult to track. Finances have been tight since or oldest started attending a provate catholic school in our area and more kids would be a financial disaster for us. Also on top of everything this was my third c-section and we wern’t sure exactly how much scar tissue I had and what m body could handle.
    So we made the decision to have a tubal ligation performed while I was in surgery for my c section. I had doubts about it, wonderign if it was a sin to not have our marriage open to more children, wondering if i was trule ready to not have more kids etc.. but didn’t feel comfortable talking to our priest. He’s new and has only been at our church for a month. Our old priest left reciently due to a new assignment. Anyways, so we had the surgery and had a tubal ligation performed during the birth of our son.
    And ever since then I’ve been sad, not postpardum sad, just wishful and wondering that I maybe made the wrong decision. I’m worried that I’ve commited a sin in our marriage. I’m worried that each act of love will not be open to more children and I’m scared that I’m defying God’s will. I’m worried that now everytime I make love to my husband that I’m also sinning against god.
    Anyways now I’m feeling so distant from my husband. I’ve tried talking to him about it but he just replies that this is the decision we made and not to worry about it. I feel angry at him and I’m not sure why. I feel like I don’t want to make love to him at all, and I feel like there is a closeness that is missing now. He’s a realy great husband and I love him so much but inside I feel like I’m being riped farther away from him. I feel like a part of me is missing now. We can’t afford to have to operation reversed. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want this issue to tear us apart. And I want to feel close to him again.

    My problem isn’t that I want more chldren. At least not at this point. My problem is that I feel like I’ve sinned againt God, that I’m not following the plan he had for me. I wory about the impact of my decision. What if I was suposed to have more children? What if I’m stoping somthign great from happening, what if I have forever changed the corse of history because of my own selfish actions?

    My husbands opinion on it is that we had this done and our reasons still are justified and that it’s not a sin. But I know that it is and that in the long run our reasons are only selfish. My hsband says instead of worrying about it we shoudl work on our own marirage and we will be strong. But I don’t want to go to hell and I’m scared that everytime I have sex with my husband that it’s a sin now.

    I know that through God all things are possible. I had previously used brthcontroll after the birth of our first daughter and before I knew it was a sin and after I found out it was a sin I immediately stoped using it. Unfortunatly I had consequences and It skrewed up my body realy bad, and it took us two years of trying to concieve before we could have our second daughter. I’m convinced that that waiting was my punishment. But I guess I didn’t learn my lesson because I skrewed up again.
    The problem is this time I chose a method that was irreversible.

    I chose a tubal because I thought it would be the lesser sin as oposed to using a birthcontrol that could be an aborcificent.

    Do you think God can forgive me? I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself. I pray that this dosn’t result in our marriage falling apart. I pray that God will forgive me and heal the mutilation that I’ve done to my body. Although I don’t know if I believe that he will, and now I’ll live with this guilt forever.

    Do you think that God can forgive us? Do you think that he can heal our bodies and allow us to follow his plan?

    I prayed before I had this done that when it came time for the surgery if it was not his will to not let me be able to tell the doctor that I wanted this done. But when she asked I had an overwhelming sense of peace. So what was that all about? What is God’s will? Is this a sin? What is his purpose for me? I know these are probably questions I will never be able to answer. I just dont’ know what to do

    HAIL MARY FULL OF GRACE
    THE LORD IS WITH THEE
    BLESSED ARE THOU AMOUNG WOMEN
    AND BLESSED IS THE FRUIT OF YOUR WOUMB JESUS
    HOLLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD
    PRAY FOR US SINNERS
    NOW AND AT THE HOUR OF OUR DEATH -amen

    #3957

    gksteiner
    Member

    First let me tell you that God will absolutely forgive you! His mercy, love, and forgiveness are infinite! I would encourage you to go to confession as soon as possible and lay your heart at His feet. As far as your concern’s with whether or not marital relations are a sin after a tubal ligation I would like you to visit http://www.onemoresoul.com. There is a lot of information on this subject on that site. I know you said that NFP hasn’t worked well for you, but my hubsband and I use it even though we haven’t had our reversal surgery yet to make sure that we aren’t having marital relations during a time that would otherwise be fertile. Catholic teaching is that ANY contraceptive sex is a sin, including after sterelization. Don’t panic though, there is always hope! Don’t forget that God’s love and forgiveness is infinte. I can’t tell you what you should do since every situation and relationship is unique, but I can tell you not to lose faith or hope, keep your eye’s on God’s will and He will help you through.

    #3958

    kartochat
    Member

    i’ve been thinking and praying, meditating on the subject of gods will, and i’ve come to the conclusion that despite my interference, throughout my life god has always been by my side, i think that if i truly repent he will forgive me, and that even a tubal won’t prevent god from doing his work through me, he performes miracles all the time… think back to sarah and abraham, if god truly desires me to have more children if that is his will i believe he will heal me, there is nothing we can do to change gods will, no amount of our own will or actions will change what god has planned for us, even if we don’t know or understand his plan.. and if that is not his will for me to have more children then i should just trust him and put my heart in his hands if he can heal terrible desieses, make he blind see, then surely if this was not part of hhis plan he will heal me too…

    and if thats not his plan for me then i have to trust and do my best to guide the children i have so they don’t repeate my mistakes, i have to learn from this and reflect my knowledge not dwel on my pain

    #3959

    joyinjesus
    Member

    @gksteiner wrote:

    In 2001 when the youngest of my four children was born my husband and I made the selfish and incredibly sinful descion to have a tubal ligation. A few years later I started to have twinges of wanting another child but still the smell of even a clean diaper made me shudder after having spent the last 9 years either pregnant, with an infant, or both. I figured it was just a phase and it would go away. Well it didn’t, in fact the twinges turned into longing and only got stronger. Then in October of last year I missed a period (I’ve always been VERY regular) and even though I knew it was very unlikely I allowed myself to hope for just a second that God had decided to over look my sin and bless us with another child anyway….AS IF!!!! Since then I haven’t been able to stop thinking and praying about how we cut God out of our marriage, there is a tangable hole there. At first my husband thought I was crazy joking that half the time I don’t like the kids we already have! (I have to admit that he’s kind of right :oops: ) Motherhood has not always been an easy journy for me, but very rewarding and has provided me with plenty of opportunity for growth and of course I love them all and wouldn’t send any of them back!
    Then a few months ago after an evening bible study he came home and announced that he thought we should have the tubal reversed. Knowing the joker he is I didn’t take him seriously at first and told him not to toy with my emotions….he wasn’t kidding, which has only added fuel to my obsession of having another baby. So we started praying and researching tubal ligation reversal, which brings us to present day.
    There are only a few doctors in the country who perform this difficult surgery and we are blessed enough to live in an area where one of them practices, but the fee is pretty steep and since I have a hard time keeping the checking account in the black most of the time as it is I’m not sure how we are going to get there. I know, with God, through prayer all things are possible if it’s His will, which is where I’m stuck. The more I pray over this situation the more I realize just how deep this sin is and the more the layers of sin are revealed to me. I’m at the point now of trying to discern my intentions of wanting the reversal. Am I only sorry now because I can’t get what I want, or do I truly desire only to reconcile my relationship with Christ, or is it some combination of both? And will the answers to these questions determin whether or not God will grant us the reversal? If my intentions aren’t pure now it is possible to change them, and even if it is possible am I capable? These aren’t questions anyone else can answer for me of course, but I was hoping that maybe there is someone else out there who is in a similar situation or has had some experience with it and could offer me some new points of reference.

    God’s love is so much bigger than your sin and He will forgive you and your husband. My husband and I decided that he should have a vasectomy after I found out I was pregnant with our youngest child. Eight years and a serious conversion later I studied Theology of the Body and was convicted to my core with horribleness of our sin. We both went to confession, but still felt unsettled. A friend of my husband told him that having the reversal might be the unusual chance to undo a sin. We sold stock that we had set aside for our children’s college fund to pay for the procedure. It has been 3.5 years and we have been pregnant once which ended in miscarriage. This has been a real journey in faith for me. I have struggled with God and been mad and despondent and had to ask myself whose will am I seeking, mine or God’s! As painful as it has been I don’t regret our decision one bit. It has humbled me and taught me about myself and what love really is and brought me so much closer to our Lord. I have learned what it means to press into the pain and to pick up my cross. I pray for you and your husband, you are on the right path, just keep praying and know that all things are possible with God!

    #3960

    gksteiner
    Member

    Joy,

    Than you so much for your response! Knowing that someone I don’t know and have never met is praying for us in this situation is so comforting. I know that God has already forgiven us for all our sins, even this one. Which is why I feel it is so important to give Him back everything, it can’t ever be enough, but the more we give of ourselves the closer we get to Him. I know that I am still holding some part of this back from Him, though I haven’t been able to figure out just what it is or how to give it up.

    We had an appointment with the only Dr in our area who does TR and while in the waiting room discovered that he also performs abortions in another clinic. We left right away, and I cried the entire two hours it took us to get home. I felt so decieved, and dissolusioned. As soon as we got home I was back on the search for another Dr. It turns out there is a Dr in NC whose entire practice is tubal reversals and he his pro life, which my husband and I decided it critical! This will of course add a considerable amount to the cost since we will have to travel a quite a distance.

    I think that trying to discern the difference between my will and His will is the most difficult part of this for me. I can’t figure out if I want it so bad because it is His will or if my wanting the tubal reversal as badly as I do is getting in the way of my hearing His will. Sometimes I’m so sure, and other times I’m so confused. I’m afraid I’ve waited too long and no matter what I do my childbearing years are over. There have been times that I knew without a doubt that I should have concieved, but because of my sin, one of God’s children would not be. I’ve had visions of children I should have had, and I mourn each of them as if they had been concieved and lost. If we had stayed on schedule there would have been three more and another due any day. The missed opportunities are as real to me as my existing children. My husband and I have started using NFP to avoid having anymore contraceptive relations and missing any other opportunities. It has added a depth to our relationship that was missing before, but we both feel a sense of loss still and can’t wait for our marriage to be restored to it’s former unity in Christ. We will continue to pray that God will clear our path to a reversal if it is His will and that we will find peace with Him if it isn’t.

    Thank you again for your response and prayers, I didn’t know I needed the encouragement untill it came. We will be praying for you and your continued healing as well.

    God Bless!

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