In 2001 when the youngest of my four children was born my husband and I made the selfish and incredibly sinful descion to have a tubal ligation. A few years later I started to have twinges of wanting another child but still the smell of even a clean diaper made me shudder after having spent the last 9 years either pregnant, with an infant, or both. I figured it was just a phase and it would go away. Well it didn’t, in fact the twinges turned into longing and only got stronger. Then in October of last year I missed a period (I’ve always been VERY regular) and even though I knew it was very unlikely I allowed myself to hope for just a second that God had decided to over look my sin and bless us with another child anyway….AS IF!!!! Since then I haven’t been able to stop thinking and praying about how we cut God out of our marriage, there is a tangable hole there. At first my husband thought I was crazy joking that half the time I don’t like the kids we already have! (I have to admit that he’s kind of right ) Motherhood has not always been an easy journy for me, but very rewarding and has provided me with plenty of opportunity for growth and of course I love them all and wouldn’t send any of them back!
Then a few months ago after an evening bible study he came home and announced that he thought we should have the tubal reversed. Knowing the joker he is I didn’t take him seriously at first and told him not to toy with my emotions….he wasn’t kidding, which has only added fuel to my obsession of having another baby. So we started praying and researching tubal ligation reversal, which brings us to present day.
There are only a few doctors in the country who perform this difficult surgery and we are blessed enough to live in an area where one of them practices, but the fee is pretty steep and since I have a hard time keeping the checking account in the black most of the time as it is I’m not sure how we are going to get there. I know, with God, through prayer all things are possible if it’s His will, which is where I’m stuck. The more I pray over this situation the more I realize just how deep this sin is and the more the layers of sin are revealed to me. I’m at the point now of trying to discern my intentions of wanting the reversal. Am I only sorry now because I can’t get what I want, or do I truly desire only to reconcile my relationship with Christ, or is it some combination of both? And will the answers to these questions determin whether or not God will grant us the reversal? If my intentions aren’t pure now it is possible to change them, and even if it is possible am I capable? These aren’t questions anyone else can answer for me of course, but I was hoping that maybe there is someone else out there who is in a similar situation or has had some experience with it and could offer me some new points of reference.
God’s love is so much bigger than your sin and He will forgive you and your husband. My husband and I decided that he should have a vasectomy after I found out I was pregnant with our youngest child. Eight years and a serious conversion later I studied Theology of the Body and was convicted to my core with horribleness of our sin. We both went to confession, but still felt unsettled. A friend of my husband told him that having the reversal might be the unusual chance to undo a sin. We sold stock that we had set aside for our children’s college fund to pay for the procedure. It has been 3.5 years and we have been pregnant once which ended in miscarriage. This has been a real journey in faith for me. I have struggled with God and been mad and despondent and had to ask myself whose will am I seeking, mine or God’s! As painful as it has been I don’t regret our decision one bit. It has humbled me and taught me about myself and what love really is and brought me so much closer to our Lord. I have learned what it means to press into the pain and to pick up my cross. I pray for you and your husband, you are on the right path, just keep praying and know that all things are possible with God!