Than you so much for your response! Knowing that someone I don’t know and have never met is praying for us in this situation is so comforting. I know that God has already forgiven us for all our sins, even this one. Which is why I feel it is so important to give Him back everything, it can’t ever be enough, but the more we give of ourselves the closer we get to Him. I know that I am still holding some part of this back from Him, though I haven’t been able to figure out just what it is or how to give it up.
We had an appointment with the only Dr in our area who does TR and while in the waiting room discovered that he also performs abortions in another clinic. We left right away, and I cried the entire two hours it took us to get home. I felt so decieved, and dissolusioned. As soon as we got home I was back on the search for another Dr. It turns out there is a Dr in NC whose entire practice is tubal reversals and he his pro life, which my husband and I decided it critical! This will of course add a considerable amount to the cost since we will have to travel a quite a distance.
I think that trying to discern the difference between my will and His will is the most difficult part of this for me. I can’t figure out if I want it so bad because it is His will or if my wanting the tubal reversal as badly as I do is getting in the way of my hearing His will. Sometimes I’m so sure, and other times I’m so confused. I’m afraid I’ve waited too long and no matter what I do my childbearing years are over. There have been times that I knew without a doubt that I should have concieved, but because of my sin, one of God’s children would not be. I’ve had visions of children I should have had, and I mourn each of them as if they had been concieved and lost. If we had stayed on schedule there would have been three more and another due any day. The missed opportunities are as real to me as my existing children. My husband and I have started using NFP to avoid having anymore contraceptive relations and missing any other opportunities. It has added a depth to our relationship that was missing before, but we both feel a sense of loss still and can’t wait for our marriage to be restored to it’s former unity in Christ. We will continue to pray that God will clear our path to a reversal if it is His will and that we will find peace with Him if it isn’t.
Thank you again for your response and prayers, I didn’t know I needed the encouragement untill it came. We will be praying for you and your continued healing as well.